Christmas Spirit
by Inflamed
Summary: John Gage is lacking the Spirit. Well it take his partner and friend Roy DeSoto to figure it out before it's too late!
1. Chapter 1

Christmas Spirit

"Squad 51. Man with heart attack. 1405 Carmenita Ave."

Stanley responded as the squad pulled out. " 10-4 KMG 365."

Twilight started as the squad headed out. The El Nino had washed away the smog as Christmas lights came on along with the city's decorations on the street. Everything screamed Christmas except for the bright, blue sky and hint of Santa Ana winds. Palm trees seemed full of the spirit with red and green lights.

John Gage stared out the window of the squad like he had been for the past week, unwilling to talk to his partner unless absolutely necessary.

Roy DeSoto looked at his quiet partner. A happy, talking Gage he liked but this quiet one, bothered him in some small way, but part of him enjoyed it, Christmas was stressful enough without his wild partner complaining about something.

"We will see you at Christmas Johnny?" DeSoto had a very bad feeling about his partner and friend.

"Christmas?" A sad eyed man looked at him. "I've been meaning to tell you Roy."

The squad stopped in front of the mall. There were throngs of people shopping, Christmas music playing and a large rotund man lying in front of a kettle. The parking lot was full as they pulled up to the curb.

Grabbing the gear from the truck, both paramedics rushed to Santa Claus.

Quickly taking note of the vitals, John called Rampart unable to do anything else.

Roy gave the man's vitals as he quickly hooked up the EKG pads and started transmitting.

"Rampart, this is Squad 51 how do you read?" Gage became professional seeing the man wince in pain.

"We read you loud and clear 51," Dixie McCall's reassuring voice answered through the biophone.

"Rampart we have a male victim, approximate age mid-50's. He is complaining of chest pain. Vitals are…"

"10-4 51. Standby."

"Patient is diaphutic and cyanotic Rampart." DeSoto said into the biophone.

Gage looked up to see a small child looked hurt as the worked on the man.

"Mommy, Santa's hurt," tears ran down the child's face.

"Johnny, there's no pulse," DeSoto called out.

Gage grabbed the defibrillators and shocked the man, to no avail. When the ambulance arrived, he began CPR and an esophageal airway was inserted. They tried once more to defibrillate their patient to see a sinus rhythm on the monitor.

The sound of the siren was closer and Gage was never happier. Roy took the lead as they finally got a sinus rhythm on the victim. Sweaty and tired from CPR, his partner took over as Santa was loaded into the squad.

By the time Johnny pulled in the squad he had found his partner near the nurse's station.

"Hey partner," Gage looked at his forlorn partner.

"Santa's dead," DeSoto said finality.

"Christmas sucks Roy. It just sucks," Gage turned and headed back to the squad.

Slamming the door of the squad, John looked at his hands and wondered if they were good for anything and the fact the month of December wasn't turning out so well. He recalled the last week's calls, three heart attacks, four car accidents and treating four women who were fighting over a garment at a store.

Having no desire to talk to anyone the dark haired paramedic headed towards the dorm. He still hadn't told Roy he wouldn't be over for Christmas and he had all ready started trading shifts to work for family men. Being young he would prefer the men to have as much time at home. Word had gotten out and he was working a lot of OT.

Roy was in no mood to talk to his moody partner. He was still upset Gage didn't show up for Thanksgiving dinner and gave a flimsy excuse. December was always the worst time of year for paramedics and the summer. Now his partner was acting strangely. DeSoto had heard Johnny had been working overtime but gave him no reason.

"Roy where's your partner?" Stanley held some pink while you were out slips.

"I think he went to the dorm Cap," Roy's head hung low.

"Bad?" Hank could see the pain in his blue eyes.

Nodding Roy headed towards the day room while Hank headed towards the dorm. He found John on his bunk, reading a novel.

"John," Hank stood by Gage's bed.

Sitting up, John looked at him, his brown eyes reflecting nothing.

"These are for you," Hank handed him the slips. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No, Cap," Johnny smiled. "Everything's just fine."

"Good dinner in ten minutes," Hank turned and left the paramedic alone.

Putting the slips on his bed, John pulled out his calendar from his pocket, with his pen he marked the days he would be working. Just a few more days and he would be working every day until after New Years. Yeah, he liked working holidays; he had been ever since he was a rescue man. With no family or obligations he usually did, until now, Gage lifted up his head and heard his shift mates in the day room. Until he had gotten conned by one Roy DeSoto to become a paramedic and a new station and a new unproven crew.

"Chow on," Chet popped his head in the dorm and watched as Gage stood up and walked towards him.

"Sorry man," Kelly frowned, "Roy told us all about it."

John walked by Chet and headed towards the day room. Food was food now; he ate so no one would worry. Hell that's all they did was worry. Back at his old station no one gave a damn, you showed up, did your job and no one gave you crap. Pouring himself coffee he sat down at the table and filled his plate.

Conversation settled on parties, shopping and other Christmas events. The paramedic did nothing to add to the conversation and kept his head low.

"Oh guys I almost forgot, Mama is making tamales and wants to know how many you each want," Marco rubbed his hands together, "Nothing but the best for my amigos."

John looked up his head and remembered the wonderful tamales, and then put his head down as Chet, Mike, Roy and the Cap placed their orders.

"What about you Johnny?" Marco looked hurt. "Mama expects to make a lot for you."

"Not this year Marco. Don't know when I'll have time to eat them," Johnny picked up his plate could feel for sets of eyes on his back.

"But you can freeze them Johnny and.

**TONES INTERUPPTED THEIR COVERSATION**


	2. Chapter 2

Christmas Spirit 2

Over the next few shifts the phone calls were for Johnny and he took them in the dorm fueling the mystery. Chet became particularly interested.

"So Johnny want to tell me your secret?" Chester assumed they were female since no one said different.

"Secret Chet?" John couldn't believe his ears.

"Yeah pally you seem to be a very popular person with all these phone calls. Ya selling something?" Kelly leaned on the table.

"Like what?" Gage knew he had figured out it wasn't women who were calling.

"Oh, I don't know your motorcycle, your car? Cause I know it ain't women, pal. You're not that good," Chet played with his moustache.

"And you are?" Gage smiled, playing the game, he thought over the worried looks from his shift mates and knew he couldn't be gloomy any more. He had forgotten that, besides now he pick and choose his next station.

The men were holding their giggles in, but Gage felt better, no one would eye him more closely as long as he acted like the old John. He had forgotten, that was his problem, it was time to move on.

Roy looked on to see Johnny was back to his old self, who knew with this guy, two years and he still trying to figure him out.

Even the hospital was festooned with Christmas decorations. There was a large tree in the lobby and treats on the counter. Wreaths and garland seemed to be hung everywhere and Christmas music played in the background. John's stomach lurched whenever he came into the emergency room now.

On their way to Rampart after a call for supplies, John got cornered by Dixie near the base station.

"Johnny," Dixie stared at him. "You haven't given me your answer yet." She had crossed her arms with impatience She had been pestering him since Thanksgiving with no answer.

Gage poured himself a cup of coffee, turning his back on the head nurse and sipped it. He had rehearsed it in his mind, but somehow it didn't sound right. Besides he would be dealing with a head nurse someplace else. He stared at the large lighted wreath over the station board, then sighing he turned around and met Dixie's blue eyes.

"Sorry, Dixie," Johnny shrugged turning on his best smile and charm. "I'm busy."

"Busy? Busy doing what Johnny?" her blue eyes flared.

Gage prayed for tones on the HT.

"It's just I'm busy Dixie, just busy, you know," Johnny shrugged. He smiled wide and his brown eyes sparkled, seeing Dixie melt somewhat.

"Well let me tell you John Gage you'd better have a darn good reason for missing my party because you don't want to get on my bad side," Dixie growled.

"Well so much for peace, good will to men, then," John grabbed the container of supplies and split towards the safety of the squad.

Roy had looked on wondering how Gage had avoided Dixie's wrath.

"So Roy what is he doing that's so darn important he can't come to my party, which he came to last year, by the way," Dixie leaned her elbows on the counter.

"I don't know Dixie; it's not as if he'll tell me. You know Johnny always mysterious," Roy smiled trying to deflect the heat from her stare and glanced at his retreating partner.

Walking back to the squad, Roy had a lot to think over, John had turned down a party, he lived for parties and all those phone calls but he was back to the Johnny again. Well maybe he would ask about the DeSoto Christmas party and Christmas.

"Roy," Johnny smiled at him as he climbed into the cab.

"You just dodged a bullet, there Junior," Roy smiled.

Gage frowned, he wasn't a child, and he was a perfectly capable paramedic.

"How so, partner?" John decided to play along.

"Dixie for one and now let's see if you can dodge another one," Roy drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he pulled out the parking lot.

"And what would that be?" John leaned back in his seat staring straight ahead trying to avoid the hideous Christmas decorations everywhere.

"Well my party for one and not to mention Christmas," Roy looked at John at the stop light.

Tones filled the air as they went on their next call.

It had been a large structure fire, involving two stations and a battalion. As the men from Station 51 pulled in, all they wanted was a hot shower, something to eat and then hopefully a goodnight's sleep.

Roy's question didn't seem so important and he would wait until next shift to ask his partner.

***

Johnny drove to his next overtime shift thinking about Roy's question and the DeSoto's Christmas party. His old station and 51 were like apples and oranges. So far he had avoiding eating any of the holiday cookies at his station, but he would partake of the goodies offered at his next stop.

He found his bunk and settled in the day room. On this shift he would be on the engine, sometimes he would be the paramedic, whatever he would be ready. Gage took a few Christmas cookies, poured himself coffee and waited for the engine and squad to return from their latest call.


	3. Chapter 3

Cs3

John had just enough time to grab some clean clothes and drop off dirty, he was getting down to the nitty gritty, but it would have to last the month. Carrying in the two garbage bags filled with dirty laundry he avoided looking into the living room where it was. Out in five minutes, he quickly drove to his home station with minutes to spare. He was all ready dressed as he went into the apparatus bay.

"Wasn't sure you were going to join us John," Cap smiled at him.

John stood in front of the engine and nodded as Chester B. made an appearance.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world Cap," as Chet slid in.

"Nice to see the holidays aren't keeping you from your jobs," Stanley smiled. "Chet brought in some cookies. Gage and DeSoto hang hose…"

After assigning duties, John had a feeling why the Cap assigned them hose duty. Climbing up the ladder with the hose, Roy took it and went along the brace. However no words were spoken. The famous DeSoto Christmas party was in a few days and Roy still hadn't gotten an answer from his partner.

"Johnny," Roy looked down as Gage carried a one and half hose up.

"What?" John didn't meet his partner's gaze.

Before he could answer the station tones went off and they shimmed down to the squad. Of course it had to be a house fire, set off by faulty Christmas lights, Johnny complained all the way back to the station. How could people be so dumb? They surely saw how old the strings of lights were and needed replacement.

Roy remained silent and waited. But even before they got back to the station the squad was toned out again to the mall. Where another Santa Claus and child were unconscious. Frantic parents stood by but John was the first to get Santa's vitals and smell his breath.

_Drunk! Drunk! Drunk! _

The child had fallen off of Santa's lap and hit his head. Roy took care of the child while Gage called in vitals on the child and the drunken Santa. Thankfully the child woke up and his parents were taking him to their own doctor. Santa on the other hand was going to Rampart.

"You go with him Roy. I'm not!" John thrust the equipment at Roy and cleaned up not looking as the ambulance sped away.

Roy looked out the back window as he saw his partner in the distance

"No," DeSoto mumbled. "It wasn't going to be a good day at all."

Clutching at the steering wheel, Johnny tried to get his anger under control.

"Why? Why? Why?" Gage shook his head. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

Once at Rampart, Johnny tried to avoid Dixie but they were low on supplies and he went to the nurse's station only to be confronted by the upset nurse.

"Uh, hi Dix," John waved as he handed her the paperwork.

"Not so fast Johnny," Dixie growled. "You're still in trouble for not coming to my party. Now Roy's is up next and you know who is supposed to be there right."

"Well Dixie," Johnny's smiled, "I hate to tell you this," he could feel those deep blue eyes boring into him but Roy voice's could be heard.

"Got to go, you know," John backed up to his partner.

"Dixie," Roy smiled enjoying Johnny's predicament.

"Just the man I wanted to see. You know me and Kell will be at your party right?" Dixie smiled but giving Johnny side long glances.

"Yeah, Joanne is going crazy cleaning up the place and we've ordered the food and well," Roy was smiling big with his hands in his pockets.

"And what about your partner," Dixie thumbed at John.

"What about me?" Johnny was irritated. "I'm standing right here!"

"Yeah Johnny what about you?" Roy's eyes zeroed in on his partners.

Opening his mouth, tones came out of the HT and they were off again.

****

"Well Gage," Chet sneered as they came back from their run, "You seem to be a popular guy again."

Johnny shook his head, "What are you talking about Chet?"

"Packages pally. Packages. Check out your locker. Cap had me store them there. Planning on opening your own liquor store or something," Chet laughed.

Going to the locker room, John opened his locker to find a multitude of liquors. Scotch, whiskey, tequila and wine and too many other types of liquor to identify.

"Guess working overtime at Christmas had its advantages," Johnny said to himself then he saw Roy.

"Quite a haul Johnny," Roy peeked into his locker. "Chet was right."

"Uh, Roy it's just…"

"Don't tell me you're busy right?" Roy sat down on the bench beside him clasping his hands in front of him and not meeting John's eyes.

Gage joined him.

"Yeah Roy I'm busy," the dark haired paramedic ran his hands through his hair. "But hey if you need any liquor take what you need," he pointed to his locker.

"No thanks, Johnny. I think I'm going to get some coffee and cookies," Roy left silently and John looked forlornly at his full locker.

"Oh man."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thanks for all the lovely comments. I'll try not to make it too long before you find Johnny's secret.**_

John walked into the day room and headed straight towards the coffee. He could tell Roy had been disappointed on not going to his party, but he would thank him later.

"Boy Gage, you sure missed a great party," Chet came over and looked at him. "It was good real good. I didn't know Dr. Brackett knew how to dance." His big fat smile irritated him even more.

Gage frowned and then headed out to the bay, he heard Marco and Mike talk about the party but the truth would be from his partner. Roy walked silently into the bay and stood at the furthest end of line of the A shift and away from him.

Crossing his arms, the dark haired paramedic looked down at the bay floor as assignments were given out. He was given latrine duty, but that suited him just fine.

"Oh and thanks again for a great party Roy," Stanley nodded at Roy. "I brought some cookies in as a thank you. You know that time of year," he patted his belly, "we all have to watch our weight."

"Gentlemen," Stanley headed towards his office. "John could I see you for a moment."

"Sure," John looked up, wondering what he had done now.

Following Stanley into the office, Gage closed the door behind him, standing his hands on his hips, his mouth in a tight line with his jaws clenched and his eyes hooded.

"You wanted to see me Cap?" John asked coolly.

"Yes John we missed you at Roy's party. Is everything okay?" Stanley sat on the edge of his desk.

"Everything's just fine Cap. I just thought what I did on my off time was my own," John crossed his arms.

"Well, yes," Hank cleared his throat. "It's just well, um, dismissed."

"Thanks," Johnny left the office and headed to get his supplies for the latrine.

Gage spent an extra amount of time making sure the shower stall gleamed along with the toilet and sinks. If he didn't know any better C shift were just plain animals. However he was concentrating so hard he didn't hear the tones until Roy got him.

"Move it Junior!" Roy called and Gage dropped his mop and practically ran to the squad.

Sliding into his normal spot, Johnny directed them to the incident not even aware of what it was. It was a child choking, a very small child, taking vitals, Roy called into Rampart and Gage got an instrument to retrieve the item the child's throat.

Pulling it out of the throat he saw it was a Christmas ornament, and then he noticed the fully decorated house, the perfect Christmas house. Luxurious furniture and the child in a velvet dress and black patent shoes and she looked like a doll.

"She's fine now ma'am. But she's still going to be checked out at Rampart. You can ride in the ambulance if you want," Johnny said automatically, and picked up the biophone and drug box, leaving Roy picking up papers as he followed the gurney to the ambulance.

Once at Rampart, Johnny made his way to coffee, that an adrenaline was keeping him going. Dixie was barely speaking to him now, but he didn't care, not really. He hated everyone hassling him. First Roy pouting and now Dix ignoring him, they were all acting like spoiled children, just like the one they had rescued. Roy had the HT so he headed towards the squad when he walked by the rich parents.

"We can't thank you enough," the well dressed woman touched him. "I… you saved my Cynthia and…"

"Ma'am maybe if you kept your ornaments higher on the tree we wouldn't have had to be there in the first place," John retorted and headed to the squad.

"Johnny," Roy called his name and he stopped mid-stride and turned around.

"Where are you headed in case I need to find you?" Roy crossed his arms.

"I'll be in the squad, partner," Gage turned on his heel and left.

Roy looked at the floor, and then felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Troubles Roy," Brackett looked at him. "It was a great party too bad your partner was too busy."

"Yeah too busy for just about everything Doc. Got to go, you know the closer it gets to Christmas," DeSoto shrugged.

"I hear ya Roy. Tell your partner I said hello," Kell headed towards the nurse's station.

"Yah I'll do that," Roy snorted.

DeSoto found John with his eyes closed; his arms crossed and slouched in the cab. Slamming the door, John sat up.

"Too busy for my party partner, huh? Some woman! Or were you too busy camping someplace," Roy gunned the engine. He grabbed the mic savagely, "Squad 51 available."

John ignored him, his next station would be Beverly Hills maybe he would have well mannered crew there.

****

Pulling into the parking lot, he saw the cars he expected to see, just like his station. He had to make a run to K-Mart for underwear, he hadn't counted on that and he certainly didn't have time for a laundromat. Luckily, he had gotten a few more uniforms and quickly rotated them out at the cleaners; with a Christmas discount no less.

"Hey, guys," John waved to the shift.

"You must be John Gage," an older man, with graying hair and moustache greeted him. "I'm Captain Mark Brown, Engineer Harold Coyle, Firefighters Max Header, George Straight and paramedic Henry Ford."

Gage shook hands with each man and went to talk to the paramedic. "Just show me the squad and how you want things to be done here since I'm your guest."

"Sure, follow me," Ford walked Gage to the squad and showed him where everything was. "We don't use keys, if that's all right with you. Everything's marked."

"Sure no problem. No problem at all," the dark haired paramedic checked the drug box and saw where all the equipment was again.

"You know Gage you certainly get around," Ford leaned against the squad.

"Huh?" John looked up from the drug box.

"Well I have a few buddies from my training class and it seemed you worked for them and man, they're spread far and wide. But you are good; I've got to give you that. You were part of the second class huh?" Ford said reverently.

"Yeah, why? Gage stood up.

"How was it working in the olden times man?" Ford cracked a smile.

"Rough, real rough, had to have nurse with us since we couldn't do anything and…"

TONES FILLED THE AIR.


	5. Chapter 5

CS5

John pulled into the parking lot of his home station, rubbed his eyes and made his way into the dayroom, but not before, putting his turnout and helmet in it's respective place. He placed the three dozen holiday donuts and headed out to the bay to find both the engine and squad gone. The paramedic wasn't surprised, the closer it got to Christmas the more calls there were. Now with the rain coming down every other day, his nights were filled up with car crashes with seriously drunk drivers.

Roy pulled up to Johnny's car and on a hunch peeked inside. There was a garbage bag on the bed in the back, on the back seat there was two, no, three uniforms, a Gemco bag and on the front seat were fast food wrappers. If he didn't know any better he'd say his partner was living out of his car. But he was still po'd at him missing the party among other things.

Once changed in the locker room DeSoto headed to the dayroom and much needed coffee. He had been putting together bikes for his kids, no more midnight calls to do that, although it might have been fun if Johnny had been with him. He had to admit his partner was mechanically inclined and always seemed to be working on the squad for some unknown noise, his pride showing when he worked on it. Surprised he found donuts on the table and snagged one.

John was sitting on his bed in the dorm, hungrily eyeing his pillow. Beverly Hills had just as many problems as everyone else; the only difference was the houses were more expensive along with the cars. For his three days he had lost count of the car accidents and house fires they had taken care of and placed his novel underneath his pillow. Hearing the rumble of the engine the dark haired man headed towards the bay.

C-shift was tired, hungry and ready to go home. Waving each man ducked into the locker/shower area to get cleaned up. John spotted Roy in the doorway of the dayroom as the engine pulled in. By the frown on his partner's face he knew it was going to be a long shift.

Once roll call was done, Johnny again had latrine duty; he guessed it was punishment for not going to the parties everyone lived for. But he had two offers for transfers; he could handle the A-shift at 51 for a few more weeks. The first of the year, he would go, no more people hassling him, wanting to know what he did or where he went. Besides he had been a fool to believe DeSoto in the first place, like he had been doing him a favor, a favor to be his partner. Only it had turned out to be a big mistake, back at 110 as long as you did your job, you were an okay guy.

Finished with latrine duty, the frustrated paramedic headed out to the squad, he opened the doors, looked and examined each item. He quickly noted what supplies were low in the drug box and put a list in the glove compartment. IT had started raining earlier so he knew it wouldn't be long. The long week before Christmas always was the worst. AS if on call the tones sounded.

Coming back from Rampart, both men were drenched and tired. Using jaws on both cars, there were four victims to transport; each paramedic was stretched to their limits. Roy changed quickly but John stayed in the locker room, rubbing his eyes and trying to get all the blood he had seen at the accident out of his head. His stomach growled in protest but he didn't care.

"Where's John?" Stanley looked for his errant paramedic. " Dinner's getting cold."

"Last time I checked he was still in the locker room, Cap," Roy had all ready filled his plate and was eating.

"Go get him Roy," Hank looked sternly at Roy.

His chair scraping on the floor, Roy headed towards the locker room. Opening the door, he heard the shower running.

"Food's getting cold Junior," Roy said tightly, still miffed at his partner and getting so emotionally involved in the accident.

Stepping out of the shower, Johnny smiled. "Be there in five."

DeSoto turned on his heel and Gage frowned, still drained from the accident but quick to put on the mask. He ate heartily and helped with the dishes, while the rest of the shift was watching 'It's a Wonderful Life' on the tube. He stole quietly away and went to the dorm. Reading he wiped away tired tears from his eyes and eventually fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

CS6

The movie was over and the A shift headed to bed. Cap stopped Roy before he headed to the dorm. They were both by the kitchen sink, putting their cups away.

"Roy is John okay?" Stanley had a frown on his face and furrowed brow as he leaned on the counter. He had heard some things he couldn't confirm.

"Uh, I think so, but you know Johnny," Roy shrugged and looked at his superior wondering why he was worried about his partner.

"He's not having money problems is he?" Hank crossed his arms hoping for answers.

"Like I said Cap, he doesn't talk much about that stuff. Why? Is he in trouble?" Roy glanced towards the dorm and wanting to talk to Johnny.

"Um, not exactly. Just look after him, k?" Cap headed towards the dorm and he patted him on the DeSoto on the shoulder.

"Why wouldn't I look after him? He's my partner Cap," Roy followed slowly after Hank into the dorm and indignant he would do otherwise.

Roy found his partner all ready asleep. His gear all ready, his right arm over his eyes and his left hand resting lightly on a paperback on his chest. Even in his sleep, Johnny's jaws were clenched. The sandy haired paramedic carefully slid the book from his partner's hand, dog eared the page and put it under the bed.

Climbing into his bed, he looked at his partner.

"Wonder what's going on with you Junior," taking his covers he went into a much needed sleep.

The next morning, Gage felt like there were two sets of eyes on him, watching his every move. He wasn't a child; he could take care of himself but working so close he would have to shield himself even further.

Still in uniform, Roy stopped him in the parking lot and looked at him.

"Johnny, you okay?" Roy frowned trying to hide his worry and his partner hadn't changed.

"Of course I'm okay Roy. Why wouldn't I be?" John turned to his car, getting tired of the incessant questions about him. He just wanted to be left alone. He did his job, what more could they want from him.

"It's just, you know Christmas is a week away and well, we, I mean, me, Joanne and the kids were hoping to see you, before then," Roy felt tongue tied seeing a slight hint of pain in his partner's brown eyes and then disappeared.

John stuck his hands in pockets, his fists clenched. Counting to ten he answered his nosy partner.

"Roy I've been taking care of myself before I met you and I did a pretty good job of it. I…"

"Johnny," Roy placed a hand on Gage's shoulder. "It's just the kids and Joanne misses you. You know, you made quite an impression on the kids and well, being Christmas and all they," he smiled.

John looked at his watch. "I've got to go."

"Wait a minute Johnny. You know if you're in trouble you can talk to me and…"

Johnny waved as he got into his Rover gunned the engine and drove around a stunned partner. Turning his radio loud, Gage tried to find some music for his long drive to his next station.

"_I'll be home for Christmas."_

John punched the next button.

"_I'll I want for Christmas is my two front teeth."_

He punched again.

"_Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree. Been an awful good girl."_

Frustrated he punched another button with another Christmas song filling up his car. Finally at his limit he reached for his cassettes, he put a Lynyrd Skynyrd tape in cranked it up full blast and rolled down his windows.

Roy watched as his partner drive off in a huff. He scratched his head trying to think when Johnny had started acting so different. It was almost like when they were first partners. He liked Johnny, he was a good man with his own eccentric traits but he was pulling further and further apart. DeSoto had gone to Gage's apartment trying to talk to him, finding his car gone and John no where in sight.

Shrugging he climbed into his car driving home to his loving family.

****

The stations were running together for John and he couldn't seem to find the energy he needed. It felt like he was streamlining coffee, but once there was a call, he stayed totally focused on the victim, sometimes missing his temporary partner's cue. Standing up from a call, he felt lightheaded but was able to control it. Too many calls, with no time to eat had taken his toll on him. Once back at the station, he ate all he could before the next call.

Sleeping was interrupted by too many calls and too little sleep; it was going to be a long haul the last week of before Christmas. He also noticed the Captain was paying more attention to him and the men had stopped talking when he made it to the day room. The men seemed okay and the conversation was light, but John felt something was going on behind his back. _Great, just great. Can't something go right for me, just this once?_


	7. Chapter 7

CS7

Before leaving his OT station, John had a chance to talk to the guys at the station. Seemed his name was getting known around the county, not in a bad way, but as a dedicated fireman/paramedic and go to guy in a crunch. The other fireman were saying he was the perfect replacement and they needed more men like him, however the Cap had another idea and called him into the office before he left.

"John," Horner pointed to a chair.

"Cap?" Gage stood afraid to sit down.

"You know I just wanted to say you're a damn good fireman and wouldn't mind you on my shift, it's just I heard you've been working a lot and thought I'd warn you. You might be in trouble, but we have a damn good union, so I wouldn't worry about it, okay?" Horner shook his head. "You're welcome back anytime."

"Thanks Cap it's nice to know and Merry Christmas, huh?" John waved as the worry lifted from his shoulders.

Pulling into the station, the dark haired paramedic pulled out the donuts from his front seat and started to walk towards the station, a gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him. Turning around he saw Roy.

"Hey Roy," Johnny grinned, feeling better all ready.

"Johnny, we need to talk," Roy said gently.

"Talk? About what?" John's nose flared and the donuts felt like lead.

"Hold it Johnny. It's just the Cap's been asking about you. Don't worry I didn't tell him you're living in your car. But, I heard a rumor you've been working a lot of OT and I'm just warning you Cap may want to talk to you about it and…."

"Well listen here partner," John pointed his two fingers at Roy. "I'm not breaking any rules; see there isn't any reg on how many hours we can work. Oh they have guidelines but there isn't any regs. Besides why I work OT is none of your business. I never ask why you work yours. So just mind your own business okay partner!" Turning on his heels Gage was shaking by the time he made it to the dayroom. He held tightly to the counter and slowed his breathing.

Roy stood in the parking lot as the rest of the shift appeared. Marco, Mike and Chet gathered around him.

"Hey Roy, I was talking to a boot I knew from the academy. Johnny was working in San Dimas," Marco looked at the paramedic.

"Yeah," Chet added. "I heard he worked in Beverly Hills, wonder in their engines are gold plated." He laughed at his own joke.

"Roy," Mike looked towards the station, "you have to talk to Johnny to see what's bugging him, k? We don't want to see him get hurt or in trouble."

Roy stuck his hands in his pocket. "Don't you think I've tried? He's shutting me out, hell he's shutting us all out and I don't know why. We have to watch his back."

"Sure Roy."

"Of course."

"He's my amigo."

"Yeah, better get changed huh."

The day progressed until at nine p.m. the station got a call for a house fire, Roy and John were sent into check the house and Gage found a little child, putting his mask over the child's face he was coughing heavily by the time he got outside.

Stanley looked at the ashen faced paramedic and made a decision, knowing the child was fine.

"Roy take your partner to Rampart and have him checked out," Hank said sternly.

Glaring at his captain, John took off his helmet.

"I'm fine." Cough. Cough. "Cap."

"You heard me John. Roy take John to Rampart. I'll meet you there," Cap eyed Roy.

Driving to Rampart, Roy looked over at his partner. "I told you Johnny, something's up."

Turning to his partner, "Just mind your own damn business Roy. Like I said I can take care of myself."

Brackett was waiting for them when they went to the ER; John was tight lipped and clenched jaw. They went into exam room three.

"Johnny, could you remove your shirt please."

Roy stood off in the room then Kell turned to him. "Roy why don't you wait outside please."

"Sure Doc," Roy left under pressure and felt sorry for his tired partner.

Brackett was through and looked like he was delaying, and then Cap Stanley entered the examination room.

"Hank."

"Doc," Stanley crossed his arms. "Well?"

"He's perfectly healthy Hank, but nothing but a few hours sleep couldn't cure." Brackett smiled but didn't seem satisfied.

"Well this time of year we could all use an extra few hours," Stanley smiled.

Gage sat there watching the exchange, talking around him. "I'm sitting right here you know. So what's this all about, huh?"

Kell and Hank exchanged looks. "He's healthy and fit for work Hank. A clean bill of health."

"So can I get dressed now? OR do you blood or something too?" Johnny put his shirt on and headed towards the door.

"One minute John," Hank looked at Brackett. "Mind if I borrow this room?"

"No be my guest," Brackett headed out of the examination room and found Roy staring at him.

"So Doc is Johnny okay?" Roy frowned. "I mean I know my partner very well and…"

"Roy it's nothing that concerns you and…"

"Doesn't concern me? In case you forgot Doc, me and Johnny are partners. WE look after each other's backs and I want to know what's going on," Roy demanded.

"I'm sorry Roy." Brackett left Roy standing in the hallway.

"John, we know or rather I know you're working a lot of overtime and I gave you several chances to come clean and…."

"Or what do I get written up? I'm not breaking any rules Cap. I checked and double checked because that's the kinda guy I am. AS to overtime, no I don't owe any gambling debts or any other unsavory reasons. I'm a straight shooter. Any other questions?" Gage was fuming but held his temper.

"John, it's just I consider you family and well I was concerned about you," Hank looked at his shift mate.

"It's all right Cap," Johnny smiled. "I…I think I understand and well you won't have to worry about next year okay?"

"Promise?" Stanley trusted John's smile.

"Promise Cap. Sorry if I was a little short but."

"It's okay John," Stanley sighed, glad the worst was over. "Let's get back to the station, K?"

"Sure Cap. I'm hungry."


	8. Chapter 8

CS8

_**Thanks for your patience. There are hints all around the story of what is bugging John, however I'll will give you a little more insight in this chapter. Things will break soon.**_

John closed his eyes but wasn't asleep. So they found he was working a lot, so what, he enjoyed working it was something he did well. Besides the rest of his life, sucked. The one thing his Aunt asked of him and he couldn't do it. He was a big coward and loser. Just going into his apartment was a reminder of how big a failure he was. His aunt was the only one who believed in him, gave him a chance and he couldn't even return the favor.

The morning tones sounded and Gage got up, quickly changing into his uniform then getting his gear to his car. Roy followed him out again.

"Roy, look I understand what you're doing and…" Johnny kept moving afraid if he stopped something bad might happen.

"I'm fine Roy okay. Just leave me alone," John put his gear into his back seat and closed the door.

"Johnny I want to know what's bugging you all the guys want to help, you know," Roy smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

"Nothing's bugging me," Johnny said through clenched teeth. "I can take care of myself okay. Just leave me alone." He climbed into the driver's side and pulled out.

Marco, Chet and Mike ran over.

"Well Roy," Chet looked at the car driving away.

DeSoto shrugged. "No dice guys. Whatever it is we just have to wait."

"What wait until he hurts himself?" Mike looked at his friends.

"We may just have too."

Johnny cranked up his cassette player, Roy's offer of help echoing in his ears. Help? Help? How could he help him? IT was his problem and no one else's. Besides his aunt said life was never easy and it took hard work. Working to be a rescue man and then a paramedic took hard work. He had lost track of the hours he studied to be a paramedic and the time he was still learning. No, the only one who could help him was himself.

*****

Roy sat in his car for awhile, trying to remember when his partner started acting strangely, but his thoughts quickly turned to last minute errands before Christmas. Children's toys to put together, food to order and last minute shopping for his wife. He would deal with his crazy partner after the New Year.

*****

Johnny pulled into his next station and realized he would have to fill his tank before long. A few more days and then Christmas would be here. His aunt always made Christmas so special, since he never had a Christmas on the reservation. Leaning on his steering wheel he closed his eyes and pictured his first Christmas in LA. It was a small apartment but his Aunt had made it home and comfortable for his friends. Drew Burke, Willy Jones and a few other friends, sure it was store bought cookies and milk but it was home. Sighing he knew those days were over.

****

Dr. Kelly Brackett was worried. The little mixer he attended last night confirmed his fears why Capt. Stanley had wanted him to check out Paramedic John Gage. What he wondered is why no one had picked up on it, how did Johnny get through the cracks.

"Dix," Kell frowned as he looked at a patients chart.

"Okay Kell what's up?" Dixie eye's pierced him.

"Well I was going to ask you the same thing. I finally found out why Capt. Stanley wanted me to check out Johnny," putting down the chart, he crossed his arms. "You know the yearly soiree I attend with hospitals that are base stations."

"Yeah, you told me it was boring as hell last year. You could have spent your time somewhere else," McCall smiled at him.

"Well let me tell you it wasn't boring in the least. John Gage's name came up several times considering my table mates," Brackett sighed. "Seems Johnny's been working all over the county, not just as a paramedic but as a regular fireman. More than I thought would be safe. I just wondered if you knew why?"

"Me?" Dix pointed at herself. "Why me Kell?"

"I just thought, you know, Johnny can be a difficult nut to crack sometimes and you seem to have the gift," he leaned against the counter.

"Kell I've been so mad and wrapped up in Christmas I really haven't noticed and Roy certainly hasn't said anything. Besides you know how it gets this time of year, especially when it rains. The paramedics get here and then are called out again. I'm sorry I didn't know I was supposed to look after Johnny," Dixie frowned and crossed her arms.

"Well somebody better otherwise I have a feeling he'll be getting hurt soon," Brackett picked up the chart. "Oh well back to work."

***

Gage found his bunk, sat down and rubbed his eyes. He would have to stop thinking of his aunt and concentrate on work. Then what station he would transfer too. Roy meant well but he didn't know what he was asking. He lived for the here and now. The past, well it was just that, the past. DeSoto grew up the All American way; he wouldn't want to know how he grew up. Damn Chet and reading about the reservation. No one could understand what it meant to live there, to see friends and relatives die there because no one gave a damn. _STOP IT! STOP!_ He pounded his pillow and then looked up to see one of his shift mates.

"You okay Gage?" Fireman Josh Turner looked at him.

"Yeah, just the usual Christmas frustration, you know," Johnny stood up. "So what's going on in the day room?"


	9. Chapter 9

CS9

Johnny looked into his coffee cup as conversation swirled around him.

"So Roy," Hank asked the sandy haired paramedic as they munched on sugar cookies. "All ready for Christmas?"

"Yeah, for now, but Joanne is always finding something else for the kids. I don't have a clue what to get Joanne either. Christmas is two days away, hard to believe the month flew by." DeSoto stole a glance at his partner. Gage took a spoon and swirled his coffee.

"What about you Chet? Got everything?" Stanley looked at his mustached wonder.

"Yeah, Cap. My sister helped me pick out my Mom's present. Maybe this year she won't return like last year," Kelly sighed and took another cookie.

The dark haired paramedic stood up, finished his coffee and headed to the sink.

"Yah, Cap you're going to drop by?" Marco smiled. "You know Mama makes so much food even for all my cousins, aunts and uncles that show up can't eat it. Besides we never seem to run out of tamales." Lopez grabbed another cookie.

Walking quietly out of the kitchen, John didn't know all his shift mates watch him leave the room. Conversation kept on going as they forgot about Gage and their own holiday errands.

Once in the dorm, Johnny made himself comfortable taking out the paperwork he had been trying to read. His shift mates talking about families, made him jealous. They all had families except him and he was jealous. Johnny knew he should be glad for them. _You're damn shallow Gage. Get your head out of your butt for once._

Sighing he looked again at the same page he had been trying to read for the last five minutes. He was still thinking of his aunt and heard someone clearing their throat.

"Hey Johnny," Roy waved as John moved his feet to the floor.

"Hey Roy," Gage smiled, his heart just not in it.

"Um, I know you're busy on Christmas, but if you can find the time, you know. The DeSoto house is always open on Christmas Day and well, the kids are really missing you. Why every time I come home they ask about you," Roy sat next to his partner. "I mean, I'm sorry if I came on so strong, it's just with all the stress and stuff. Anyway, it's just an open invitation, K?" Roy opened the palm of his hands.

"Roy," Johnny bit his lower lip. "I……I really appreciate the offer and all it's just…."

**TONES ENDED THEIR CONVERSATION.**

The final hours of the shift was filled with numerous calls and many trips to Rampart. All the doctors and nurses were busy as out of town visitors filled the ER and left little time for talk. Dixie still glared at Johnny and he only filled supplies and waited in the squad. Brackett had wanted to talk to Roy, but as soon as they went available another call came in.

Pulling the squad into the bay around 11 p.m. they were beat and Johnny was in no mood for conversation as DeSoto headed to the kitchen for a snack and Gage headed towards the dorm. Making a sandwich the sandy haired paramedic inhaled his meal hoping to have one last conversation with his partner.

Johnny quickly undressed and climbed into bed, wiping errant tears from his eyes, he closed his eyes for some blessed sleep.

Roy came in to find his partner fast asleep, knowing the paramedic would be leaving quickly after shift was over.

***

In the morning, John looked at all the liquor in his locker. He drank beer and now like Chet said a whole damned liquor store. Sighing he closed it, took his duffel out of his locker and headed out of the station. The kitchen was filled with laughter and conversation as each shift exchanged stories and gifts. _What's the use? I'm doomed. I was from the beginning._

"JOHNNY! JOHNNY!" Roy ran to him.

Turning around John threw his duffel in the front seat of his car.

"Hey Roy, I've got to go and well Merry Christmas, huh partner," Gage patted him on the shoulder. "See you after Christmas."

"Johnny, wait, please," Roy put his hand on John's shoulder.

"Roy, I can't." Johnny looked at his watch. "I can't be late. See ya." He climbed into his car and sped off.

Roy's arms hung by his side and silently prayed for his partner.

Gage once again cranked up his cassette player, trying to ignore all the billboards advertising Christmas presents. His aunt sure did like Christmas, going all out in their small apartment. Now, he had nothing but a sad reminder of her and couldn't even carry out her last wish. He was a major failure and coward. Feeling his heart race, he knew the transfer would not solve his problems but he felt it was his only option. Once they found out his lack of fortitude he would be just another joke.

***

In the parking lot, Roy found himself surrounded by his shift mates, except for Cap who was still in his office on the phone no less.

"So is Johnny going to come?" Marco tugged at his moustache.

"Yah Roy, usually you can convince Johnny of anything," Chet has his arm around Lopez.

"I'm with Chet; Johnny was awfully quiet last night and this morning. Did he say anything Roy," Stocker looked at the empty parking spot.

"Just he was busy. I thought he was going to tell me something last night," Roy's foot scuffed the parking lot. "But those damn tones finished everything. I swear all Johnny does is look at his damn watch. HE has no time for us!"


	10. Chapter 10

CS10

Moving from station to station, John had gotten a good idea of where he might transfer to, now in La Mirada, he appreciated the less congested streets. The station was brand new, just like 51; however the crew appeared to be a tightly wound bunch of guys. When he was in La Habra the paramedic gave him the thumbs up. Saying he could use a guy like him, three stations wanted him, yes this Christmas was going to be just what the doctor ordered.

"Well here's your bunk," Stan showed him where he would be sleeping the next three days. The man was a lot older and seemed more seasoned as he looked at Johnny.

"Thanks," John sat down on his bunk, he was lucky he didn't get a ticket on getting to the station. Checking maps the paramedic didn't realize how big Los Angeles County was. He felt he could drive his way around the county now without any problems. At least he wouldn't have much to move when he transferred. The extra money he made would come in handy as first and last month's rent.

"Lunch in ten," Stan said and walked away.

Rubbing his hands over his eyes, he realized he was tired. Four weeks didn't seem as long when you had days off in between. If he wanted he could work through January, since his name was now on the hot list. He had his shift mates fooled, laughing and even bringing in Christmas treats, okay donuts but it was all he had time for, but they didn't even appreciate them, the ungrateful bunch.

****

Even before he got comfortable the tones sounded. Gage climbed on the engine ready for the worst and steeling himself to keep his emotions in check. It was a small rubbish fire and the paramedic sighed with relief.

Going back to the station he was able to joke with his shift mates and found they had been together for a lot of years and theirs was a new station, the old one being turned into something else. He envied the tight bond between these men, afraid to get to close and get hurt. Feeling guilty he hadn't called Drew since he had become serious with a girl named Pam. Sure he had gone out with them but he felt like a fifth wheel.

"So tell me John where is 51 located," a man named George asked.

"Carson," John answered, not really paying attention.

"Wow, that's what about 25 miles away," Stan looked at him.

"Yeah, so?" John shrugged.

"Figure anything you made would be eaten by all the gas," Wally laughed.

"Well let me tell you something. I don't mind if a man can be with his family during the holidays, you know," Gage words sounded hollow.

"Oh, one of them types," George laughed.

"One of what types?" John could feel his cheeks turning red.

"Oh you got one of them noble personality, like you're doing us a favor if you work for us or something, that's what," the fireman laughed.

"No, I don't…." John clasped his hands together. "It's…well…it's just complicated k."

"Hey Gage take it easy huh. We're glad you're filling in for Mark, he's had a rough year," Wally patted him on the shoulder.

"Sure thing," Johnny smiled. "I understand besides I'll only be here three days right."

"Yeah and Christmas is pretty special, right Cap," George called to Winter.

"Yeah Gage all our families come and we have a turkey dinner, when we can of course, put up a tree and all that other jazz. Makes you forget you're working right guys?" Winter smiled reminded him of Cap Stanley.

Johnny sighed, wondering what Marco, Chet, Roy, Mike and Stanley would be doing on Christmas, it didn't matter, and he would be gone by January hopefully.

All day long, the tones never seemed to stop, but they were able to eat meals in peace just as tones sounded. Johnny enjoyed not having time to think, he was tired and his thoughts were getting muddled.

Captain Winter watched as his replacement really focused on doing his job, scratching behind his helmet, maybe which was the problem. As a fire fighter you needed to be focused but Gage seemed almost entranced by the fire, he could see when someone touched him did he move. He would have to pay more attention to Gage, wondering if there wasn't more to him.

The tones sounded as they went to another house fire. ON the engine, Gage watched as the paramedics went into rescue and see if anyone was in the old house. Coming out of the house they held an old woman, her eyes fixed and dilated, John already knew the answer.

Walking slowly to her John could see her under the street light and froze. Staring at her, breathing heavily he stumbled back and felt nauseous and lightheaded. Her hair was grayed, her features prominent, just like his aunt. His aunt, spun in his head.

Henderson rushed over. "You okay Gage?" The paramedic looked worried.

"Why don't you take him back to the squad," Winter suggested softly.

"I'm fine Cap," Johnny whispered. "Just fine." He tried to convince himself.

"Now you go with him, that's an order," Cap put his hand on the shaken man's shoulder.

Henderson quickly had him on oxygen and took his vitals.

"You okay John," Henderson smiled at him. "You don't look so hot, you know we can take a ride to Regional, you know."

"No, I'm fine," John tried to get his bearings, the old woman's face frozen in his eyes.

Once the engine pulled into the bay, Gage quickly headed towards the head, his head spinning along with his stomach. Closing the door, he went to his knees and felt the contents of his stomach lurch through his mouth, shaking he fell on the floor. He whimpered and wiped the spittle from his mouth. Still shaking he heaved again into the toilet, he felt cold and clammy and used the toilet to stand up.

Cap Winter followed his replacement to the head, only to see him collapse on the floor.

"When you see Gage," Winter talked to Henderson, "have him lay down okay?"

"Sure Cap," Henderson nodded and watched the Cap go to the office.

Winter made it to his office and placed a few phone calls. First was getting a replacement for his replacement and then a long overdue phone call.

"Stanley residence," a female voice answered.

"May I talk to Hank please," Winter sat wearily on his chair, hating this part of the job.

"Sure," there was silence then a male voice answered.

"Hello?" Stanley asked, wondering who would be calling.

"Hank old buddy," Charlie laughed.

"Charlie Winter, well you old dog, now how long has it been?" Hank knew his old boot buddy. "Merry Christmas."

"Well Hank I wish it was, but I have a problem with one of your guys," Charlie rubbed his eyes.

"One of my guys? You've got to be kidding, right. I mean you're in La Mirada right?" Hank sat down knowing Winter wasn't kidding. "Who?"

"John Gage."

"What happened?" Stanley's voice was filled with worry.

"We went on a call, an old woman died, he was pretty shaken up Hank. Enough I'm sending him home. This was his second shift here, he seems like a good man," Charlie added. "You have any idea why he was working so much OT?"

"OT? I had an idea, but La Mirada!" Hank was surprised.

"Well from what I heard he's been working from one end of the county to the other and anyplace in between. I don't usually pry he isn't having any money problems is he?" Winter asked the unasked question.

Hank sat in shock.

"You still there buddy?"

"Yeah, I'm still here. Well John very closed mouth, keeps to himself. Thanks for the heads up and…"

"Hank I don't think Gage should be working for awhile, just my opinion, truth is the guy looked kinda shell shocked and Hank I did some checking he's working straight through to after New Year's. Don't we have some regs on that?" Winter shrugged and wiped his eyes.

"Well we should, look I'll send his partner to look at him and make sure he's not working the rest of the year. I know John and he'll be stubborn as hell," Hank sighed. "Thanks again Charlie. I owe you one."

"Well you'd do the same if it was of my guys. Oh and Merry Christmas," Winter hung up the phone and went in search of his paramedic.

"So how is Gage?" Winter found him in the day room drinking coffee. "He shouldn't be working Cap. I mean his head barely hit the pillow and he looks like death warmed over."

"Is he safe enough to get home?" Winter looked pointedly at him.

"Yeah I guess. You sending him home?" Henderson stood up.

"Yeah, I'm sending him home called his Captain too. We're old boot buddies," Winter played with his coffee cup. "Hell of a way to spend Christmas huh?"

Sent home, just because he felt a little sick, Gage slammed the door of his car after throwing his turnouts and helmet in the back seat.

"See if I ever come back here to work," Johnny mumbled as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. He rolled down his windows, cranked up his cassette player and flipped off the station once he was a block away. Luckily the streets were empty as people were at parties since the malls had closed. Not sure how he made it home, he pulled into his parking space, pulling out his bag of dirty clothes and duffle, locking up his car, Johnny stumbled up the steps to his apartment. Taking three tries he opened his front door, placed the clothes by the front door, threw his duffle towards his bedroom and looked at the couch.

He stopped however as he looked at the urn sitting on his coffee table. Sighing he stumbled towards his couch, lying down; he threw a blanket over him and went to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

CS10

At 10 p.m Roy and Joanne had just gotten their excited children to bed. Sitting on the couch they looked at the twinkling lights of their tree, sipping beers and listening to Christmas music. Roy had his arm wrapped around his wife's shoulders and was just about to give her a kiss when the phone rang.

Shrugging Roy leaned over and picked up the phone sitting on the table next to the couch.

"DeSoto residence," DeSoto said cheerfully.

"Hey Roy," Stanley's worried voice came through.

The paramedic moved closer to the phone. "Everything okay Cap?"

He was met with silence.

"Cap? Is it Johnny?" Roy had a bad feeling when he had said good bye to his partner last shift.

"Um, well…the thing of it is he got sent home from a shift and…"

"Shift? Johnny's off we don't go back to work until after Christmas," Roy stated.

"John was working in La Mirada. There was an incident and well, he got sick and was sent home," Hank sighed.

"IF he was sick, he shouldn't have been driving," Roy could feel his blood pressure rise. "What the hell was he doing in La Mirada?"

"Roy they said he was okay enough to drive home. Just relax. I want you to check on him in the morning. The thing of is John was going to be working until after the 1st and…"

"Cap if you knew this why didn't you stop him? You had the power to. God I tried talking to him until I was blue in the face and…" Roy wiped his hand over his face, Joanne coming closer and wrapping her arm around his waist.

"Roy, there are no regs at the moment, but I think they are about to change. The thing is John's not working until next year, until he's better and…" Stanley's voice broke. "You have to tell Johnny he isn't in trouble. He'll still have a job, maybe a bit more supervised for awhile until we can get to the bottom of all this damned overtime."

"Great, lay that one on Johnny," DeSoto sighed. "No I'm fine Cap. I'll check on Johnny in the morning and maybe he'll finally tell me what's bugging him. Sorry if I got upset, Cap." DeSoto said contritely.

"I wouldn't expect less of you Roy; I mean you are his friend and partner. I'll see ya Christmas and keep me posted. Good night," Hank hung up, hoping he had done the right thing.

"Night Cap," Roy put the phone down, still thinking of his partner.

"Roy is Johnny sick?" Joanne looked into her husband's tired eyes.

"Yeah, I'm going to check on him in the morning. You know honey I'm beat," he kissed her passionately and they headed to bed.

DeSoto had a hard time sleeping, part of him wanted to check on his partner now but another part knew Johnny might take the hovering as a bit much so he finally went to sleep.

Johnny slept like the dead, his long month working finally catching up to him along with his grief he had been denying. Arm over his eyes, he didn't even hear his loud neighbors next door, pulling up the blanket around his chest as he feet fell to the floor.

*****

Roy drove as quickly as he could to Johnny's apartment. Now hearing his partner had been working most of the month explained a lot of things, but not why he had worked them. Relieved to see John's Rover in the parking lot and not in some hospital set his mind at ease however climbing up the stairs, he practically ran to the door.

"Johnny!" Roy knocked on the door gently. Wary of Gage's neighbors and the early morning hour he knocked gently on the door the first time. Getting no answer, he knocked a little harder and felt the extra key in his jean pocket.

Waiting what seemed an eternity, Roy knocked harder this time and hoped he didn't wake the neighbors. "Johnny are you in there?" He knocked harder this time.

The pounding in John's head was met by an incessant pounding that wouldn't go away. The dark haired paramedic tried to block it out, but it kept getting louder and louder. Unable to get the pounding out of his head, he barely opened his eyes to realize someone was knocking on the door.

"Give me a minute, sheesh," John rubbed at his tired eyes. Throwing the blanket on the floor, he almost fell tangling up in the blanket Opening the door a crack, the bright sunlight hurting his eyes he squinted and found himself staring at a very worried Roy.

"Hey Johnny," Roy waved, smiled and got no response and pushed his foot in the door, seeing an unemotional face on his partner.

The dark haired paramedic only opened the door a crack not in the mood for any visitors, besides he had to report for shift in a couple of hours and the bright sunlight hurt his eyes.

"Gonna let me in?" DeSoto asked carefully not knowing what his overworked partner may do.

"No, Roy. I'm not," Johnny started to shut the door, but not before Roy stuck is foot in it.

"I'll break it," Gage said coolly.

"Oh no you won't pally," the sandy haired man pushed his way in, knocking Gage to the floor of his apartment. "You help people, you don't hurt them," he said with pride.

John fell on the floor, breaking his fall with his hands and landing on his backside, he refused to move.

"What do you want Roy?" Johnny rubbed at his tired eyes with his fists.

"You're coming home with me is what?" Roy stood there hands on his hips, "That's what." He looked around and was met with a musty smell along with a pile of mail stacked on the kitchen counter; he also noted a nice coat of dust on the counter. He also noted a garbage bag filled with clothes.

"The hell I am. I don't recall inviting you in," pointing a finger to the door, "get out."

"No Johnny I won't," Roy was adamant. He looked as his partner had brought his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and placed his head, sideways. Kneeling down he found Johnny fast asleep. "Oh man, Johnny you really are exhausted. You're coming home with me."

Standing up, Roy stumbled on his partner duffle on the floor, taking it he went to Gage's bedroom to find two more garbage bags filled with dirty clothes and drawers opened everywhere. Opening up John's duffle he found brand new packaged underwear and his toiletries.

Shaking his head, he found a few more pair of pants, pajamas and shirts, he would come back later of the rest of his partner's clothes. Walking out of the room, he spied children's toys behind the couch, walking towards Johnny something caught his eye and he went to investigate.

"An urn?" Roy looked at his partner. "Johnny? Johnny?" He could see his friend was totally wiped out.

Then Roy recalled the strange call he had gotten from his partner around Thanksgiving.

"_DeSoto residence," Roy answered anxious for Gage to appear._

"_Uh, hi Roy," Johnny stammered his voice sounding distant and scared._

"_Where are you Johnny?" Roy's tone worried. "You should have been here an hour ago."_

"_I know Roy…um…something's come up Roy. I'm really sorry but I just can't make it and…"_

"_Wait a minute Johnny," DeSoto's voice rose. "We've been planning this for weeks. Joanne and the kids, everyone is waiting for you and…"_

"_I'm….really…sorry…Roy. I've got to go I'll see you at work, k?" John hung up the phone._

"_Johnny! Johnny!" Roy spoke to dial tones._

Then when John returned to work, he always gave a non answer why he didn't show up for Thanksgiving.

"Oh Johnny," kneeling down, he checked to make sure his partner was still alive. "Well you never do things easy do you partner. Throwing him over his shoulder in a fireman carry, Roy picked up the duffle, locked the door and before closing the door, took the nearest bag of dirty clothes. "You're going to be just fine partner. We'll take real good care of you." Closing the door, DeSoto walked carefully down the stairs and noticed he had a few people watching him. _Oh well Johnny I'm sorry but that what happens when people care about you._


	12. Chapter 12

CS12

As Roy drove home he was concerned about his motionless partner, who always seemed to be in motion. At a stoplight, DeSoto quickly took Johnny's carotid, pulse and respiration, sighing he knew it was going to be a long haul with a very angry partner.

Carrying his exhausted partner into his house he looked at the two fallen faces of his children, he had no idea he would find John in such a state and his children thought Uncle Johnny would be there to play. Joanne quickly held her children tightly in her arms and moved them away.

"But we want to play with Uncle Johnny," his daughter protested.

"Yeah, Uncle Johnny always plays catch with me Dad!" his son stomped his foot.

"Children, Uncle Johnny is very sick and can't play with you, k. What I need from you is not to bother him in the guest room. When he's up and seeing visitors I promise I'll let you see him?" Roy looked down at his confused children.

"Promise Daddy," his daughter smiled.

"Yeah Dad promise," his son looked up.

"Yeah I promise," Roy smiled. _Johnny may have other plans like punching me in the mouth._ His children cleared the way and he headed towards the guest room. Undressing Johnny he heard mumbling but wasn't sure what he was saying, after settling him in bed, the sandy haired man leaned closer to his partner's mouth.

"10-4 Rampart."

Shaking his head, Roy went to get his emergency kit to check on his house guest. Taking his BP, pulse and respirations, he could see the ashen face of his partner and friend, whom he had failed. How many times had Gage been there when he needed an ear? Yet, Johnny had faced a huge loss but had said nothing.

After taking his friends vitals, he went into their bedroom for some privacy and dialed a memorized number.

"Nurse's station," Dixie answered.

"Hey Dixie, Merry Christmas," Roy tried to keep his tone light.

"Merry Christmas Roy. Do what honor do I owe this phone call?" Dixie smiled at her favorite paramedic.

"Um Dix is there a doctor around?" Roy pressed his fingers around his face.

"Okay Roy whose sick? Joanne or the kids?" Dix used her finger and signaled Kell over.

"Um, neither but I really need to talk so doc, k," Roy insisted, keeping Johnny's identity a secret.

"All right Roy. Dr. Brackett is right here," Dixie handed off the phone to Kell.

"Hello?" Kell answered.

"Hey Doc," Roy smiled. "Um, I got some vitals I'd like your opinion on."

"Vitals, can you identify the patient Roy."

"Um, yah sure. Patient is twenty something, in relatively good health, suffered an episode of gastroesophageal reflux, pulse is 60, respiration 12 and BP is 70 over 100." Roy breathed.

"Roy, is there any reason you're not telling me the name of the patient. If it's Johnny you have nothing to be worried about," Brackett sighed. "I'm going to change phones."

"Sure Doc," Roy rubbed his hand over his face. The silence seemed like an eternity until he heard Brackett's voice.

"Roy I was afraid something like this would happen," Brackett's tone non judgmental. "Um, I've been able to put the puzzle pieces together about Johnny the only part I'm missing is why."

"Well Doc I think I know the why, but its real personal and prefer my partner to tell you. What are you talking about?" Roy was sure only a few people knew of Johnny's overtime.

Kell picked up a pen and started doodling on a pad. "Every year there's a mixer for base station hospital in the greater LA area. Usually Roy there boring as hell but this year I have some interesting table mates. We exchanged names of the teams of paramedics we work with and well…Johnny's name came up. But Roy, the hospitals were way out of the normal areas. San Dimas, Valencia and Cerritos. I was happy they knew his name; Johnny made a very good impression on them."

"Johnny always makes an impression on them," Roy recalled the countless patients he calmed.

"And I put together why Capt. Stanley wanted me to examine Johnny. So his numbers aren't bad, but should be watched. You know I do make house calls occasionally. You really have to worry about Johnny getting dehydrated. A couple of IV's would do the trick. I mean if you don't mind a visitor on Christmas Day," Brackett put down his pen and waited.

"Uh a house call. Well the DeSoto house is always open at Christmas doc, but I can't be sure Gage would remember you being here. He keeps on mumbling even in his sleep," Roy looked at the vital signs again.

"Um, I hate to ask this but Johnny wouldn't be on any drugs would he?" Brackett hated to ask.

"Hell no Doc. Why he gets upset if you even mention that, but I know he was drinking coffee like water, though," Roy related his observation.

"Oh, well give it a few days to work its way through and I think Johnny will sleep much better. I'll see you tomorrow, k?" Brackett stood up and stretched.

"Yeah, doc see you tomorrow," Roy stood up, feeling the weight lifted from his shoulders.


	13. Chapter 13

_**All medical errors are my own, I don't any medical jargon then dealing with my own medical therefore all errors are mine and mine alone.**_

The DeSoto children were up bright and early for Santa had come. Joanne and Roy wearily got up while Joanne made coffee, he checked on his house guest. The paramedic found Johnny just where he found him, completely out. As a fire fighter you learned to be all there the minute the tones wake you up from a sound sleep, but Roy was getting worried. His children as squealed as loud as the tones and Gage hadn't moved. He was relieved Brackett was making a house call. Checking his partner's head he found no fever and was able to have Gage drink a few glasses of water before sleeping again. Scratching his head, the sandy haired man had a feeling his partner wouldn't be going back to work until later in the New Year.

Before long the children were playing with their toys and then breakfast was served, as guests would be arriving after lunch. The children reluctantly put away their toys and cleaned up. Joanne and Roy put the house in a somewhat good order and placed out food for their guests. Roy knew the before long his shift mates and respective spouses would show up and the nagging questions regarding his partner would emerge. So far, there hadn't been a peep out of his dark haired wonder. John would drink water, mumble and otherwise be dead to the world. For once in his life, Roy was impatient to talk to his friend about his aunt's death.

The Stanley's were the first to show and Hank made a quick look at his injured paramedic.

"John?" Hank sat on the bed looking at the sleeping man. Even in the subdued light, Stanley could see the exhaustion etched on the young man's face, who hadn't moved since he sat on the bed.

"Johnny," Stanley carefully shook the man's arm.

"Huh what?" John's eyes barely opened. "Sure Cap take a 2 and ½ to the west side of the building." Then he closed his eyes again.

At the doorway, Hank looked at his other paramedic. "He been this way long?" Stanley stood up as Gage went back to sleep.

"Yeah," Roy crossed his arms, "it's like he's still working. But don't worry; Dr. Brackett is going to make a house call. I don't think Johnny's gonna work for awhile. I mean I'll I can get down him is water and he…he just lies there."

"Well I think we should join the rest of the party," Hank led Roy back to the living room and the arriving guests. Marco, Chet and Mike had shown up and saw the serious look on their superiors face.

"Okay what's the big secret?" Chet was quick to catch on. "Has anyone seen Johnny?"

Roy and Hank exchanged looks and Marco's mouth dropped open.

"He's not dead is he?" Marco looked at them.

"NO, no he's here in the guest room, sleeping," Roy tried to allay their fears.

"What he isn't even going to say hello?" Mike headed towards the guest room. Roy quickly stopped him. "Mike he wouldn't even know you were here. Hell, I don't think he even knows where he's at. Doc Brackett is going to check him out."

"So when do you think the pigeon will be coming back to work?" Chet played with his moustache and looked at the frowning faces of his host. "Johnny's that bad? Man I knew he was working a lot of OT but why man?"

"I wish I could tell you Chet," Roy glanced towards the bedroom, "but that's Johnny's bag if and when he wants too."

A knock on the DeSoto's door ended their conversation as Roy welcomed Doc Brackett and Dixie McCall into his house. True to his word, Brackett had his black bag and a drug box.

"Merry Christmas," Kell said hello to the shift of 51.

"Hey Doc," Roy pointed out the food, "Dixie."

"Well let's check on Johnny first then we eat. Shall we?" Kell followed Roy to the guest room as the rest of the shift waited.

Roy watched as the doctor went to work with Dixie assisting.

"Johnny can you hear me?" Brackett used his pen light.

"10-4 Rampart, saline solution TKO," John mumbled then went back to sleep.

Taking his BP, pulse and respiration, Kel pulled an IV out of his drug box hooked it up and then walked towards Roy. The paramedic knew it was saline solution since his partner wasn't eating or drinking much.

"There are exactly five bags of saline solution so he won't get dehydrated. In my opinion Johnny should be in a hospital, but considering what he's been through I'll let him slide since he has a qualified medical personnel looking after him. I want reports on him Roy and if he gets bad he's goes to the hospital pronto. Do I have your word?" Brackett crossed his arms. "I also want you to pick some more from the hospital because there's no telling on how fast John will go through them."

Roy looked at his sick partner and the doctor knowing he was right, but right now Johnny couldn't be in a hospital dealing with his grief would only make it worse, frowning he looked at Kell, "You got my word Doc. I promise I'll give you his vitals every day, k. So how about some eggnog?"

The party continued until 8 p.m. and Roy replaced Gage's solution. Shaking him a little Johnny opened his eyes a little bit more.

"Johnny?" Roy sat next to his partner. He felt helpless wishing he forced Gage to tell him what was bothering him before he exhausted himself.

"Roy," Johnny's eyes were half masted. "You take the patient I'll follow in with the squad."

"Oh Johnny," Roy squeezed his friends arm and then headed to bed.


	14. Chapter 14

Cs12

For the next week, his partner was motionless, the IVs working as he became more aware of his surroundings. Johnny acknowledged Roy but still seemed out of it. Brackett was still insisting Gage be in the hospital but DeSoto had a feeling it would compound his friends mood.

"Hey Johnny," Roy came into the room after a long 24 hour shift, not liking his temporary partner at all.

"Hey Roy. Guess what?" Gage gave a slight smile.

"What?" Roy smiled thankful for any small changes Johnny made.

"I went to the head by myself; Brackett came by and put me on a brat diet too. Doesn't think I can handle real food. Me," Gage pointed to himself. "Just because I got a little sick, you know." He downplayed his illness.

Roy sat on the edge of his partner's bed. "Johnny you just weren't a little sick. You're exhausted. You slept for a damned week and you're as weak as a newborn kitten." He countered as he watched Johnny dismiss his illness.

"I'm fine Roy. Just fine, in a week I'll be good as new and you don't have anything to worry about," John smiled hoping he could be left alone. "You'll have me back as your partner."

"Don't tell me you're fine Johnny. Remember I'm the one who found you. For a minute when I was driving you here I thought you were dead. So I want some answers, junior," Roy crossed his arms, hoping a sterner approach would get some much needed answers.

"There's nothing to tell Roy. Besides you wouldn't understand, not with your perfect little life," John's jaws were clenched and turned away from Roy.

Grabbing John's arm, Roy turned Gage towards him. "You don't get away with that partner. You scare me half to death and then you turn me off. I want some answers about the urn I found in your apartment." Roy's eyes softened a bit but Gage refused to talk.

"Johnny please I thought we were friends, you can tell me anything and it will stay just between you and me. Promise, no one but you and me!" Roy touched John's forearm. "Because if you don't tell me I'm going think the worst of everything. I admit I have no idea what your life was growing up, but I'll admit after Chet dug up those books I got curious."

Johnny turned and glared at him. "Like you could understand what it was like on the reservation with your perfect life. Growing up in Norwalk, knowing exactly what you wanted to be when you grew up and not…" the dark haired paramedic turned back again, putting his hand to his mouth.

"Please Johnny don't shut me out," Roy walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down next to his partner.

"Just take me home Roy. I just want to go home," John wrapped his arms around him.

"No I can't you can't take care of yourself, remember I've got to watch your back. So tell me about your aunt's urn." Roy's eyes glared at Gage.

Johnny looked up. "How'd you know it was my aunt?" His brown eyes flared.

"Who else would it be? I remember she stopped calling a few months back. Didn't she always call at least twice a month?" Roy could see Johnny softening.

"Yup, she always checked on me and…she had a stroke a few months back. Cause she worked too damn hard taking care of me. She worked two jobs; you know so I could have what all the other kids had. Guess she felt guilty. I kept telling her I had plenty, but she wanted me to have spending money and stuff." John smiled.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Roy was hurt.

Johnny shrugged, "didn't seem important. It was when your whole family had the flu, you know and you were complaining about taking care of everyone and then you got sick. I guess I'm not used to sharing."

"Oh Johnny you should have said something," Roy frowned and could see Johnny was close to losing it.

"No, you had enough problems I could see. So I took care of those three days we had off. Man it was hard getting her into that nursing home, but she had it all together, insurance and everything, wouldn't let me pay for one thing. Said I deserved it, you know for all my hard work. She couldn't make it to my paramedic graduation cause she had to take a trip for work. My Aunt had it all together, unlike me," John sniffed.

"It happened at Thanksgiving didn't it?" Roy asked to confirm his suspicions.

John quietly nodded and then looked at his hands. "Like I said she had it all together. By the time I got there all I had left of her was the urn with her remains, a little money and one request." Gage sniffed more. "All my families gone now."

"You're my family Johnny," Roy put a hand on Gage's shoulder only to be pushed away.

Johnny looked up surprised. "I never asked for that Roy. Never," the dark haired man continued to sniff and wipe tears away.

"Too bad you all ready are. You became family the minute you became my partner and the rest of the guys on the shift," Roy again put his hand on John's shoulder and this time it stayed.

"It's all right to cry Johnny. Shows you're human, you know. She must have been one special lady," Roy could see his friend still fighting back the tears.

"She believed in me Roy, when no one else would," Johnny's famous smile finally made a long lost appearance.

"I had to get away from the reservation, you know, before it killed me," Johnny continued to cry. "I found my way to the fire service when my Aunt's house almost burned down. Funny didn't even consider it." Tears now flowed freely.

"I'll leave you alone now Johnny, check on your dinner," Roy left as he heard his partner finally grieve for his missing aunt. He would check back later and give his partner some space and then he would finally get the whole story and why he couldn't stand to look at his aunt's urn and the one request that seemed to be eating up his friend.


	15. Chapter 15

CS15

Roy thought about what his partner didn't say. Why he didn't want to go home in the first place, what request couldn't he fulfill? Right now, Johnny was starting to trust him again. He would have to take it easy until his friend and partner was willing to tell him what the request was.

Bringing in Johnny's dinner, he found his partner staring off into space. Setting down the tray, Gage picked at his dinner then looked at Roy.

"Man, Roy I messed up good. Do I even have a job to go to?" John took a drink of milk.

"Of course you have a job to go to Junior, Cap promised me you did, it's just he said you'd be closely supervised and they may revise the guidelines is all," Roy said gently.

"Man, now you can blame me when you can't work OT and Roy I owe you and a lot of other people apologies. I just screwed up royally, sometimes I'm my own worst enemy you know," John took a savage bite of his food.

"Johnny, I'm sure they'll understand, you know. You were grieving in your own way. They will understand I promise you that." Roy tried to comfort his lost partner.

"I wasn't grieving Roy. I was running away. My Aunt's urn was a reminder of the failure I am. Her last request and I can't do it. Total lack of character," John pushed his tray away.

"Johnny, if you don't mind me asking, what was your aunt's last request?" Roy took Johnny's tray and sat it on the bed stand.

John looked pensively out in the distance, rubbed his hands through his hair and looked at his partner and friend.

"Roy, she wants her ashes scattered over the reservation. Isn't that silly? I mean Roy she had it together, she left the reservation and made something of herself, man. She was the one who took me from there when I was 13. She didn't want me to end up like her brother, who was my father," Johnny got quiet and yawned. "Roy I'm really beat."

"You didn't eat much dinner Johnny, Brackett's not going to like that," Roy stated as he stood up and took the tray. "He'll be here tomorrow to check on you Junior. So you'd better behave."

"Sure Roy, I'll behave I have to go back to work. Too much time thinking here," John slid under the covers and was asleep before DeSoto left the room.

Roy found his wife, washing dishes and kissed her as he helped her finish up.

"How's Johnny?" She could see her husband was troubled.

"He's okay, I guess. I can see why he won't talk about his childhood Joanne. I mean if I was him…it almost like his life started when he came to LA. I didn't realize how lucky I was until I met Johnny. I feel guilty now playing into Chet's game about Johnny's Indian heritage," Roy dried a plate and put it in the counter.

"Roy you know Johnny he would never let you feel that way. You see how he cares about you and how he saves you all the time," she handed him another plate.

"Yeah, I see why he talks about the here and now and well…I hope he'll feel safe enough to tell me why he can't fulfill his aunt's request," dishes finished, Joanne and Roy headed to watch a little TV before bed.

****

Brackett checked on his patient and found everything in order.

"I think you'll be able to go back to work next week," Kell looked at the dark haired paramedic.

"Yeah, I know I got a call from headquarters, guess they want a psyche eval on me. Can't blame them," Johnny sighed.

"Johnny you have nothing to worry about. I feel you're sane and were just…confused," Brackett started putting away his instruments.

"No, Doc I was showing a total lack of character, because if I did what I was supposed to do I wouldn't have a problem in the first place and able to go back to my apartment in the first place," Johnny lamented. "I owe you an apology for copping that attitude when you examined me before Doc. I owe a lot of people apologies."

Kell looked at his overwrought patient. Gage was not one to hold in his emotions, and so far, DeSoto had told him what prompted his partner from working so much. Seizing an opportunity Brackett braced for the worst.

"So why couldn't you go back to your apartment Johnny?" Brackett pulled up a chair.

His patient got silent, and then looked with pain filled eyes.

"I lost someone very close to me and well I just couldn't handle it. You think that person will be there for you since she pulled you out of the fire. Stupid huh?" Johnny played with his blanket.

"Johnny it isn't stupid. I know losing anyone is painful," Kell sighed, thinking of his mother. "But everyone gets through it their own way and I'm sure your headquarters will see it the same way."

"Yeah, Doc. Roy always thought I was a nut to begin with and now the department will too. Guess I can kiss my job goodbye," John closed his eyes and sunk into his pillows.

"Johnny you have to give yourself time. When did this person die?" Brackett still unsure of the closeness of the person of his favorite paramedic.

"Thanksgiving, it was my Aunt, the one who gave me a chance. A real chance Doc. She gave me hope, promise and a future," a few tears trickled down Johnny's face and he wiped them away. "But I'm still a failure."

Brackett stood up and couldn't help pacing. "The holidays can be really rough when you lose someone close Johnny. You work, other people drink, just don't do anything rash."

"Rash? Don't you think working through the whole month rash and thinking of transferring enough? What else do you need?" Gage fidgeted in the bed. "I….I've been enough of a burden to Roy all ready. Can I go home at least?"

Kell looked more clearly at the heart broken man. He had seen him when he had lost girlfriends but this was different. His aunt appeared to be his whole world and when she died, John became lost too and tried to find solace in work and helping others.

"Johnny I'm going to go with to Headquarters and present your case. You're just wound up differently than other people. But you'll be able to go back to work I'm sure of that. As to going home…" Brackett didn't want to see the young man alone. "Wait until you can go back to work. You're physically able, but you need to build back your strength, okay."

"Sure Doc whatever you say," John frowned and watched the doctor leave.


	16. Chapter 16

_**For those impatient people out there, here is your answer. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!**_

John dreaded going to headquarters, his short career flashing in his mind as Brackett picked him up. Roy was on shift and he still felt horrible. In casual clothes, he and Kel appeared at the Chief's office and waited in the outer office.

Gage thumbed through a year old magazine wondering if he could still find employment somewhere, maybe at least flipping burgers, when they were announced.

Going into the office, John felt his heart drop to his stomach when he saw his file sitting on the chief's desk along with a serious expression. Chief Martin's office was decorated with plagues, trophies, photos and all things fire related. However Gage only saw his folder opened up on Martin's desk.

"You don't really need council John," the chief pointed to Brackett.

"Oh he's not a lawyer he's my doctor and…."

"A friend," Kell added. "Just wanted to inform you of my evaluation of John Gage. I've known him a long time sir."

"Well I see from you file John you're an excellent fireman and paramedic," Chief Martin looked at the open file.

John blushed. "Just doing my job, sir."

"Yes be that as it may. I made a few phone calls regarding your last months work habits. It seems you were in a bit of distress," Martin stated "and you found work as an outlet."

Gage nodded. "I lost my aunt and well I just couldn't deal with it sir." His voice cracked.

"That's putting it mildly John. Every day for a month what would put any normal fireman out on his back, yet you didn't collapse until almost the end of the month. Commendable in some ways, stupid in others." Martin stated matter-of-factly.

"Yes sir I know I've should have told someone and…." John fidgeted with his shirt.

"Like your partner?" Martin chastised the paramedic, "that's what they are there for. To talk to and seek advice. I really appreciated my partner Gage. You should realize too."

"Yes sir I know," John clasped his hands together, "I almost lost the best things that I have happened to me."

"Well John when I lost my father, they had to drag me out of the building; I was neglecting everyone, including myself. You do realize you made a serious error in judgment?" Martin's brown eyes met John's misting brown eyes.

Looking up, John's eyes lit up. "Oh yes sir. I can promise it won't happen again and I'll do whatever you say."

"Good no more overtime Gage at least for a few months. You'll check in with your captain every shift until otherwise notified. And son, next time talk to somebody." Martin stood up and shook both men's hands. "Take care and I hope not to see you anytime soon."

"Yes sir," Johnny smiled as they left the office.

Once in Brackett's car, Johnny's smiled from ear to ear. "I still have my job."

"Wait one minute, Johnny, you still haven't told us why you think you're a failure," Brackett reminded him.

"Oh that. IT was nothing Doc. I'm okay. I can go back to work that's all that matters, right." John looked out the car window and the urn still waiting for him at his apartment.

Gage went back to bed after the interview. So he had a job but now what. He still had to go home and he had ruined everyone's Christmas.

Joanne brought in lunch to see a sad faced friend.

"So how did it go?" She asked gently putting down his lunch.

"You meant do I still have a job?" John's jaws clenched. "Yeah I still have a job. I'm not hungry Joanne."

"You have to eat Johnny, especially if you want to go back to work," she prodded slightly.

Frowning Johnny ate his meal and stared out the window.

*****

Roy couldn't get home fast enough after Joanne called him about his partner's visit. However it wasn't all happy news, it seems his partner had made one step forward and two steps back. Well he would fix that soon enough.

Coming home, DeSoto kissed his wife and then headed to his guest's room. He found John staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey Johnny," Roy sat down on the bed.

There was no response and Johnny turned on his side away from him.

"Johnny we have to talk," Roy walked over to face his partner.

Gage responded by rolling to the other side.

"All right Junior," DeSoto physically rolled Gage on his back and pushed him against the wall. "WE have to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about Roy. I have my job back that's all that matters," John tried to smile.

"Bullcrap and you know it," DeSoto moved nearer his partner's worried face. "What is bringing you down Johnny?"

"Hey I'm fine Pally just fine, okay. Just take me home so I can get back to work," John moved out of the bed.

"No deal Junior not until you tell me what bugged you enough to kill yourself with work," Roy crossed his arms and waited.

"Fine I'll call a cab," John walked a few steps and then collapsed in a heap.

"Johnny, please," Roy sat down next to him.

Wiping tears from his eyes, "even if I tell you Roy, you just wouldn't understand, k."

"Try me junior. Remember I've been to 'Nam," DeSoto smiled.

Looking into his friends eyes, he opened his mouth and then tried again.

"Growing up in the reservation was hell Roy. Pure, unadulterated hell. I was starting to get into big trouble and I mean real big trouble. My aunt came and took me to LA. I swear that's when my life began, really. I think I've blocked out most of my childhood anyway," John clicked his index finger against his thumb. "My Aunt saved me and well," he looked off in the far distance. "She has one request I just can't do it Roy. I just can't."

"Tell me what it is Johnny, please," Roy pleaded seeing the pain in his partner's eyes.

John looked into Roy's misted eyes, sniffed. "She wants her ashes spread over the reservation Roy. I just can't go back there. It scares me. Stupid huh?"

"No Johnny it isn't," Roy spoke softly. "I know I can't even to begin to imagine what it meant growing up on the reservation, but you're not alone any more. You got four other guys who were worried sick over you."

John looked up and smiled. "I guess I forgot that, huh. Boy do I have a lot of apologies don't I?"

"No, you don't Junior, they understand they really do," Roy looked at the floor. "So tell me does your aunt last wish have a deadline?"

"Huh, um I don't think so why? It doesn't matter anyway Roy I'll never be able to do it anyway," John sighed and got up off the floor. "Man I'm really tired."

"Here let me help you up," DeSoto's mind started thinking of Johnny's problem as he helped him into bed. "Johnny do you trust me?"

"What kinda question is that? Of course I trust you Roy," Gage snorted.

"No I mean it Johnny. If you trust me I'll take care of your problem, promise," Roy squeezed his partner's shoulder.

"Sure Roy, if you can promise I won't have to step foot on that God forsaken place and still carry out my Aunt's last wish I believe you," Johnny smiled.

"Fine, now get some sleep. Dinner in an hour."

"Thanks Roy," Johnny pulled the cover over him.

"Your welcome Johnny," Roy left as Gage fell asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

CS17

John's first shift back was weird. He felt the guys should be mad at him. Truth be told he wasn't exactly the easiest guy to get along with during the holidays. Overwork and stress made him an ogre and the guys were treating him normal.

Coming in early, he quickly changed and was leaning on the squad as the rest of the shift appeared.

"Welcome back Johnny," Chet smiled

"Yeah man," Mike patted on the shoulder as the rest of the guys lined up.

Roy and Hank walked in from his office and John could feel the color drain from his face.

His partner walked over and stood next to him but John flinched.

"Welcome back John," Stanley smiled. "I'm glad you're well rested. I'll give you the dorms to clean."

"Yeah thanks Cap," John grinned.

Tones sounded as the A shift of 51 started.

The day was filled with many runs and little time for talk. Before dinner Johnny was able to get the beds ready for their sleep and he sat down on his made bed. He was tired but it was a good tired. Guilt filled him since he hadn't had a chance to thank his friends.

"Hey Gage, dinner's on," Chet stuck his head in the dorm. "You done yet? I'd like to sleep on some clean sheets you know."

Gage stood up and headed out of the dorm. "Of course I'm done Chet."

Chet followed John into the dayroom and cracked a smile at the large cake sitting on the table with balloons.

"Well you didn't think we'd welcome you back properly did you Gage, baby?" Chet laughed.

John cleared his throat. "Um thanks guys and I mean it."


	18. Chapter 18

CS end

Johnny had been back to work for a month and was easing back into the routine. Roy had invited him over to his house and he was again feeling comfortable. However, every day he was home the urn reminded him of his duty.

Sighing he knew he could do it by himself now; he had his confidence back and had nothing to fear at the reservation, now he had to tell Roy.

The children in bed, Johnny looked at his friend and partner Roy DeSoto. There wasn't a better man around. Joanne could see something was up and excused herself.

"Um, Roy, you know that promise you made to me about my aunt?" Johnny stammered, not sure he could really do this.

"Of course I remember, Johnny. Why would you think I'd forget?" Roy toyed with his coffee cup.

"Um, the thing of it is, I can do it myself. I put my vacation request in. I'm ready now," Johnny proclaimed proudly, able to lick his demons.

"Are you sure Johnny? I mean I'll be there for you, really," Roy could see the hint of indecision of his friend.

"No, Roy this is something I really need to do myself, you know. How else am I goin' to conquer my fear? There is nothing on the reservation to be afraid of, if I don't want it to be. Besides I was a kid when we left," Johnny grinned.

"Okay Johnny, but if you get into any trouble, you call me. I mean it!" Roy was adamant about his friend's safety.

#######

Johnny looked out the window of the plane as it landed. Clear blue sky, snow capped mountains and cool crisp air. He was close to finally fulfilling his aunts wishes. Stepping off the plane, he held tightly to his carryon. The urn was carefully packed and he planned to stay only two days.

Finding the car rental place he picked up his car and headed towards the reservation. Johnny had talked to the elders and they understood his plight, he was given permission to go to the burial grounds and give his aunt the peace she desired.

Pulling up in his small car, the grieved man walked up to the chief's house. Knocking he waited, still pensive as to what would happen. Being off the rez for so long he had forgotten traditions and tribal customs and hoped he wouldn't embarrass himself.

The door was opened by a pretty young woman with long black hair, t shirt, torn jeans and bare feet.

"You must be John Gage," she opened the screen door.

"Call me Johnny," the paramedic flashed his best smile and offered his hand. She offered hers, and he found it soft to the touch and gentle.

"My father in waiting in the den," she turned and walked away, forcing Gage to watch where he was going and not the view presented to him.

"Um, I've never met a chief before," Johnny whispered.

"Oh, he's just Dad to me," she winked and led him into the masculine room. There was dark paneling and Indian artifacts along with things he vaguely remembered from his childhood. On one wall were numerous pictures, which his eyes quickly drew to seeing if he knew anyone.

"Ah, John Gage," the older man stood up. His hair was long and graying, tied with leather into a loose ponytail, his eyes were a crystal clear blue surrounded by deep furrows and wrinkles. The mouth of the chief smiled, showing bright white teeth.

"I'm Running Bear and this is my daughter, Long Face otherwise known as Francie and I am Alan. Welcome. Please sit down," Alan pointed to a leather couch in the room. "Please daughter— refreshment."

"Yes Dad," Francie rolled her eyes and left them alone.

"Please you have nothing to worry about Mr. Gage," the older man tried to alleviate the doubt and worry in the young man's face.

"Johnny, please," the young man smiled and looked at the man.

"I do remember your father and mother, Johnny. I was saddened to hear of their passing and then your aunt took to raising you. She had done a fine job. Ah, here it is," Running Bear took the coffee things and shooed his daughter away. She stuck her tongue out at him and then left them alone.

"Yes sir, she did. I'm a firefighter paramedic with the Los Angeles County Fire Department," Johnny said proudly.

"Yes you save people; it was in your mother's blood. She was a great healer," Alan poured himself coffee and then one for Gage.

"I didn't know that about my mother," Johnny looked into his cup for answers.

"Well, you were small when you left the reservation. We were sorry to see your family leave but your father was headstrong and stubborn in his ways. He wanted to make sure his son made it in the white man's world," Running Bear sighed.

"Oh," Johnny set his coffee cup down again, overwhelmed by the things he had just learned.

"I'm sorry Johnny, I thought you knew," the old man's eyes bored into his.

"Well Aunt Rose didn't talk about them much after they died. I know she was real close to my Dad and all but I…I guess she thought it was better this way, you know," Johnny sighed only remembering the few scant years he had with his parents before they died.

"It's all right; we will have plenty of time to talk later. How long are you staying?" The Chief looked expectant.

"I've only got a few days and then I have to go home," Johnny apologized.

"What a shame, perhaps you can come another time and we can talk about your parents. There are a few other people who would like to meet you and know you are following in your mother's footsteps," Running Bear's face lit up.

"Yeah sure I'd like that I mean, when I have more time. It's just right now I don't have much vacation time and…" Johnny held up his hands in frustration.

"It's all right; we have all our people's history, up here," he pointed to his head, "in both song and story. You would like to relearn the customs and traditions?"

"Oh yeah I would, I guess you don't know what you miss until you find it, huh?" Johnny smiled again.

'Yes, yes." Running Bear looked at his watch, "I'm sorry Johnny but I have some tribal business to take care of. You'll stay for dinner of course and stay here," Running Bear stood up and Johnny followed.

"Well actually I was going to stay in town and…" the paramedic raised his hands up in embarrassment. "I'm sorry if I offended you, I didn't know and…"

"Nonsense, you are family. Daughter, show Johnny too his room and give him a tour. I'll be back in time for dinner. Francie will take care of you," the chief disappeared leaving the two of them alone.

"So how long are you here Johnny?" Francie walked him to his car and he took out his overnight bag.

"I leave tomorrow night on the red eye," Johnny told her. He took his bag out of the car and followed her back inside. He felt safe and comfortable here.

Francie smiled and led him to a guest room. "Here you are. Do you ride Johnny?" She looked at him, and brown eyes met brown eyes.

"Me?" He pointed to himself. "Do I ride? Of course I ride, a horse you mean," Johnny blushed.

"Yes, my father requested I give you a short tour of the reservation before dinner. Why don't you get comfortable," she pointed to his dress slacks and shirt. "You did bring jeans didn't you?"

"Um yeah, just give me a minute," Johnny stammered.

"I'll give you five. Meet me out at the stables, I'm sure you'll have no problem finding them," she winked and then left him alone.

Gage quickly changed into jeans, plaid shirt and boots; he had packed efficiently and removed his aunt's urn from his bag. He stroked it lovingly and placed it on the dresser in the small room. He took a good, long look at his room. There was a small twin bed, covered with a colorful Indian blanket, a rocking chair, bed stand, and a small lamp and dresser. The hardwood floors were cool to the touch and he saw a smaller blanket on the floor. There was a small closet but he didn't need it. Yes, the room was comforting and comfortable and he whistled as he headed out to meet Francie or Long Face.

He found the stables easily enough and found two horses ready to go. "They're beautiful," Johnny stroked one of the horses.

"He seems to like you; that is Long Bow," she pointed to John's horse, "and this is Flaming Arrow," she stated with pride. "Shall we?" Francie quickly saddled with John close behind.

Inhaling the clean fresh air, his lungs actually hurt after the smog filled skies of LA.

"Something wrong?" Francie looked worried.

"No, just have to get to fresh air is all," Johnny smiled. "Lead on."

The scenery was breathtaking to say the least, seeing the mountains off in the distance, the cool, pine scented air filled his head and the sweet vision of Francie helped too. Johnny had been so obsessed with the bad part of his childhood he had forgotten the good parts of the beauty of the land and his native heritage. Fear, he knew, could be a terrible thing and had taken a heavy toll on him. But now, here on the rez with good company, the burden of fulfilling his aunt's wishes seemed minuscule as he let fear rule his life, once again.

Francie pointed out familiar and unfamiliar sights, giving him the grand tour. Images, smells and sounds filled in the empty places of the things he had seen.

They stopped to rest the horses; both had climbed off the animals and Johnny leaned against a tree.

"So tell me how did you get your name?" Johnny grinned, "If I can ask."

"Of course you can ask," Francie grinned, "Doesn't mean I'll tell you." She laughed.

Gage frowned. "Well that's just not right, you know. Here I am trying to learn my customs and you…"

"Listen Johnny," she pushed a finger in his chest. "Names are very sacred and you just don't toss them around."

"Okay okay, sorry I asked," Johnny waved his hands in surrender.

"I'm sorry Johnny," Francie smiled. "It's just…"

"Hey I'm new to this Indian business okay. I came here to fulfill my aunt's last wish and realized how much I've missed in my life. I really want to learn my Indian ways, it's not some act," Johnny grinned with sincerity, finding it wasn't as bad as he thought.

Before long they returned back to the house and Francie had softened up a bit.

"Hello," Alan looked at the two young people. "Have a good ride?" He looked at his daughter, knowing her short temper.

"It was incredible, simply incredible," Johnny grinned.

"Really," the chief said with skepticism.

Johnny replied enthusiastically, "You have to understand I go camping a lot but this place, the scenery is just incredible."

"Well, daughter why don't you get dinner started. Johnny and I have matters to discuss," Alan winked at his daughter. "Come."

Johnny followed silently back into the den and looked at the chief. So much of his childhood was bits and pieces and half remembered memories. For some reason he felt comfortable and safe here.

"Johnny, I got a guide for you to take you to the scared burial grounds," the chief said proudly. "You're going to have to get a pretty early start since you have plane to catch."

"No problem, I'm used to getting up early in the morning," Johnny grinned.

"Good now tell me about this paramedic program of yours," the chief asked with great interest.

#######

It was dark when Johnny was up for the long journey to take care of his aunt's ashes. Part of him was happy another part bittersweet; his aunt was truly gone. The woman had been a solid rock for him for so long and now he felt truly alone. But finding his roots here at the reservation made up for it. Yes, his aunt knew this and he had finally come to realize it. She had kept him from his heritage and was now bringing him full circle.

Johnny has always enjoyed the sunrise; it meant he was alive for another day. The reds, blues and yellow hues spoke wonders to him as they drove further into the reservation.

"I knew your parents," the older man said.

"Really?" Johnny looked with awe. "My folks didn't talk much about the reservation after we left. I do remember the anthropologists though, for some reason. Probably because I was a guinea pig."

"Those people ran with the snake. But the chief at the time was weak and let them come every year. Shortly after you left they stopped coming," the man spat out their names.

"Red Bear, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I really want to learn my Indian ways. Hey, I know I'm a pretty good navigator and such but…it's just…I think my aunt wanted me here for a reason," Johnny held tighter to the urn. "I hope that doesn't sound too weird."

The man looked at him and smiled. "No, it's not weird…there are many people out there who can help you. I know some people in LA who can help you."

"Thank you Red Bear I really appreciate it, it will be incredible," Johnny grinned again, feeling his heart and sprit soar once more.

The drove in silence and stopped just before sunrise. Getting out of the truck, Johnny stretched his legs while Red Bear saddled two horses. Gage grabbed the urn and headed back towards the horses.

"Long Face says you ride well. Don't worry, this is an easy ride I will leave you alone while you take care of your aunt and then we will ride back," Red Bear put the urn in Gage's saddlebags and then got on his horse. They rode in silence to the sacred burial grounds.

Johnny was still amazed with the scenery, still astounded he had not made this journey before. Red Bear kept stealing glances at him and knew John Gage had found a new home, of sorts.

"Is it like this all the time?" Johnny's right hand swept over the vastness of the plains.

"Always, except when it snows and you wish you had stayed home," Red Bear laughed.

"Oh, cold doesn't bother me. Is it okay to take photos, I mean this is just…incredible…incredible," Johnny whispered, still awed by the vision in front of him.

"I'm sure it would be okay, the next time you return," Red Bear smiled knowing they would be welcoming a new member to the tribe.

They rode in silence for an hour then stopped.

"You will find what you're looking for," Red Bear pointed, "out there. Take as much time as you need. I think you'll have no problem finding your way back."

Johnny nodded to his guide and urged his horse forward. A small stream suddenly appeared from the underbrush and he felt whole again. He remembered his aunt telling him stories of this sacred place and the burial grounds. The grieving man guided his horse until he had found the right spot. The creek bubbled, a copse of trees grew, and the air smelled of honeysuckle and sage.

Getting off his horse, he opened his saddle bags and took out the small urn. He held tightly onto it as he walked to the spot his aunt had designated. It was too beautiful to even describe in words. Yes, his aunt had chosen a breathtaking place to remain.

Saying a silent prayer, Johnny opened the urn and slowly poured out its contents on the ground. He watched as a sudden wind picked up the ashes and sent them flying off in the distance. Just as quickly the wind disappeared along with his aunts remains.

The paramedic wasn't sure how long he stood there, looking at the scenery and reminiscing about his aunt. A sound of a distant, mournful howl send a chill down his spine and his horse got restless. It was time to go for now, but he promised he would be back.

Putting the urn back in his saddlebags, he climbed back on his horse, gave one last look and turned his horse around and headed back to Red Bear.

#######

"Welcome back partner," Roy patted Johnny's back as they checked equipment.

"Great to be back," Gage grinned and then leaned against the squad. "In fact Roy, it was incredible. I mean all along I had nothing to worry about it. I mean it was easy," he snapped his fingers, "just like that. I coulda saved myself a lot of worry, you know."

Roy stood up and looked as his friend tried to discount his feelings. "Sure Johnny," he snapped his fingers, "just like that. I understand," he grinned.

"I'm serious Roy. You know I'm going back…to the rez I mean. I'm going back to my roots," Johnny said proudly.

"Roots, yeah. You know Johnny I'm reading a book about a guy going back to his roots, Alex Haley is the author."

"Oh," Gage was interested, "How did it turn out?"

"Well I'm not finished yet," Roy crossed his arms, "but he sure learned a lot so far, I mean about his roots. He's a black guy."

"Another of the oppressed peoples," Johnny sighed. "Yeah I'm going to get a spirit guide, go to pow wow's the whole bit," he said with excitement. "It's going to be incredible."

Roy grinned again; he sure was glad having his partner back. He knew he would hear all about Johnny's new passion, but he didn't mind. Just having his partner and best friend back made it all worth while.


End file.
